The evils of seeking Validation. Do you 'play to please'?

Last month I spoke about how an improvisor's confession of 'winning makes them feel good' prompted some thoughts and I looked at Focus - Self or on Process.

Your Focus impacts your performance, so does seeking Validation, which is what I want to address this month.

We are social creatures who crave Validation. Response from friends, family and colleagues can guide us, reward us and mislead us.

For example, when we receive validation, such as laughter or applause, we feel good because we’ve received positive response to our work. This give us a dopamine hit and makes us feel great.

Cognitive neuroscientists have shown that rewarding social stimuli—laughing faces, positive recognition by our peers, messages from loved ones—activate the same dopaminergic reward pathways.

Dopamine, Smartphones & You: A battle for your time

Laughter can be misleading. People laugh for many reasons including embarrassment and discomfort. They could be laughing AT YOU, not your work. This is especially true if you only play in-front of other improvisors. They will laugh at points of recognition ie. I see the clever thing you did or I get that reference. They are watching their teachers and friends play which changes the performer / audience relationship. Friends and colleagues will force laugh to support you.

Improvisors who only play in front of improvisors experience a big shock when they step onto the world stage. I've seen it. A group from New York was quite confident before a show. They did their show and it was okay. They came off stage so confused and angry. I overheard the three guys talking in the dressing room. "What's wrong with this audience? Come'on those bits are killer!" another said "This shit kills at home man, they just don't get it here."

Hmmm, who doesn't get what?

Maybe it would of had more impact if the audience hadn't seen 'those bits' 30 minutes earlier from a Florida group. Plus gags about aggressive Southern highway patrol cops with tasers, doesn't relate to a European audience.

Sadly instead of learning from the experience, they blamed the audience. This group basis their work on Validation and they were trained to do that. This is not their fault, this is the system around them and reinforced by their teachers and the company they are in.

It is important you play in-front of many kinds of audiences to strengthen your skills.

Although it feels great to get laughs, laughter Validation should not be the only tool you use to evaluate the quality of your work.

Another trap for improvisors is the backstage pats. Honest compliments are fantastic. But the backstage banter is mostly bullshit culture. It is coming from a good place of wanting to be supportive, but when is lying supportive? Many improvisors build their identity on this impulsive and unreliable back stage banter. If it is honest great! But lets call it straight, it is not always authentic and sincere.

If you want to grow as an improvisor you need honest feedback. Like in life your real friends and colleagues are the ones who are willing to tell you the truth.

Many improvisors seek and crave the Validation of laughter and back-pats far too much. So much so they exclude other inputs of information such as notes. Validation becomes addictive and you see improvisors craving their dopamine hit. If suddenly they are not flavor of the month they spiral out of control as they have no creative compass to steer by. They are the first ones at the bar being adored by their friends while others strike the stage.

The seeking can create a mindset of ‘play to please’ instead of ‘play to discover'. The play to please hands control over to others leaving the improvisor as vulnerable as a leaf in the wind being blown around by the opinions of others. When we value our work only on the opinions of others we create a cycle of vulnerability and need. We begin to seek out praise, adjusting our work to achieve the dopamine hit.

This can be very dangerous to people's self esteem and can create an opportunity for others to exploit and manipulate, especially if there are power dynamics, like casting, involved.

It can also create horrible bad habits, a false sense of 'star' status and a heightened level of arrogance.

So when this improvisor said to me ‘winning the match makes them feel they did a good job’ I was concerned. Winning a pretend competition is deceptive. It is false information, the scores are subjective and improvisation unpredictable. Scenes could be scored high or low for a variety of reasons and not always, or only, based on your work.

I worry because they are possibly valuing their work, and perhaps their self as an improviser, on outside response. I worry they are in a cycle of 'playing to please' and so the seek false validation of their work. In this case it is false validation, because the winning means nothing.

It is important that the improvisor be able to self evaluate their work and the show. To reflect through a lens of processing the work through application of skills and techniques. To evaluate creative objectives and assess if they were met. To be able to honestly reflect on the whole show, including the relationship with the audience and technical aspects.

Having perspective from an outside eye is also important. One can achieve this by having post show notes. If your group does not do this give it a try or try creating a peer or mentor relationship system allowing for more personalized open and truthful conversations that comes with active support and engagement.

Without direct, honest, personal feedback about your work on stage you can't grow and you loose perspective on yourself and the show you are creating.

Playing to please is empty.
Validation is ego.
Information is growth.